John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
