you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
