It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize