Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
