My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize