I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
