woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
