I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize