watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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