do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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