I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
