I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
