i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize