So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
