quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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