it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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