The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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