You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
