Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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