I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
