I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
