Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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