corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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