my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
