Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just high enough for therapy.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
