i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just found puke in my bra..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
