mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
