it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
