Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
