the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
