Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
