First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
