I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
