mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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