TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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