I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Two words: nipple clamps
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