hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You took a bar mat shot.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
