I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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