mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
