The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
