babies were throwing up all over the place
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
