The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
