First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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