So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize