I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
