I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
