i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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