Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I believe in your delicious
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
