Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
