when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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