Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
