I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
