I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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