Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
