I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
