in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
