Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
