i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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