Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
