I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
