omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
