I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize