I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize