just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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