Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
